Loved and Lost You
by AsnihaEyleis
Summary: *PruCan* After a horrific car accident, Matthew is diagnosed with retrograde amnesia, a condition that has caused him to lose his previous memories. As he's trying to regain them, Gilbert stays by his side. For Matthew's condition has caused Gilbert to have loved and lost, and Gilbert's beginning to wonder if it would've been better to never have loved him at all.
1. Prologue

Gilbert clutches the cold plastic of the chair beneath him, biting the inside of his cheek. There are dried streaks of tears on his pale face. None of this should've happened. He should've done something-dammit, he should've thrown himself in front of the car instead! However, he knows better than anyone that he is no hero. No one is. Yet everyone expects themselves to turn superhuman when a crisis arises. When the door to the emergency room opens, he has to keep himself from bolting up. He has to prepare himself for the worst.

"Gilbert Bel-Belsmith?" the nurse addresses him.

"Beilschmidt,"

"Ah, sorry," she replies apologetically, smiling sheepishly. "Anyway, Matthew is going to be fine, but..." She pauses. _But what?!_ He wants to scream. He wants to push her aside and see Matthew for himself, see what has happened to his dear friend. But he doesn't. For once in his damn life, he keeps himself still. "He...he seems to have suffered minor memory altercations. His exact condition hasn't been diagnosed yet."

"Let me see him," Gilbert says, his voice dangerously low. He grits his teeth and grips the chair so tightly that his knuckles turn white. Can't the woman see she's torturing him? Her eyes seem to widen at his tone, and she gives him a reassuring smile.

"Of course, Mr. Beilschmidt," she says, watching as he stands to his feet. "But don't worry over it all too much. Memory altercations like these rarely last more than a day." Gilbert nods absentmindedly, waiting for her to step aside. Every second she takes seems drawn out and slow. When he finally walks into the room, he's not prepared for what he sees. Matthew lays on the hospital bed, bandages wrapped around his head. A few wisps of his light blond hair stick out. However, the most awful part is seeing his eyes. They stare at Gilbert blankly, no emotion whatsoever in his indigo irises.

"W-Who are you?" Matthew asks politely. Gilbert feels like the floor's been taken out from under him. He takes a deep, shaky breath, leaning onto a nearby wall for support.

 _How can I say this without breaking?_

"I'm Gilbert," he replies, his voice a small whisper.

"W-What are you d-doing here?" Matthew eyes him warily, just as he would any stranger. Yet...it _hurts_. It hurts _so damn much_.

 _How can I say this without taking over?_

"I'm your friend," Gilbert watches as the blond furrows his eyebrows _. Heh. Friend._ It's the word that best suits their relationship; it always has been. However, Gilbert can only think of the word with bitterness, as it's a barrier between him and the one he loves. He was so close to confessing that night. The words were resting on his lips, waiting to be spoken.

 _How can I put it down into words, when it's almost too much for my soul alone?_

"Y-You are?" Matthew asks, wincing when Gilbert frowns. "I-I'm sorry...I-I don't remember you...I-" His voice cracks, tears beginning to form in his eyes. "I-I can't remember a-anything." He still has that damn stammer. Gilbert's expression softens, his shoulders slacking.

 _I loved..._

"It's alright," he sighs. The nurse says this won't last more than a day, so who is he to be an upset asshole about it? "You just need some rest, Mattie. You've been through a lot."

 _And I loved..._

"M-Mattie? I-Is that my name?" Matthew furrows his eyebrows in concentration, trying to remember that simple fact. The indigo eyed boy can no longer stop the flow of tears that stream down his cheeks in fear and frustration. Gilbert knows this is no temporary thing. If it is, then why can't Matthew remember even his own name? It's been at least half an hour since the other guy woke up; he knows that much. Fear grips Gilbert's heart like a vice.

 _And I've lost you..._

* * *

 **A/N: Hello there ^.^ Eheh, I know this is short, but it's a prologue, eh? Anyway, I hope you like it so far. I'll try to update as soon as possible.  
**


	2. Chapter 1

"His semantic memory is fine," the nurse says, glancing at her clipboard. Gilbert's been forced to wait in the hallway. Again. He grips his fists, telling himself that he has to be patient. The last thing he wants is for the hospital staff to separate him from Mattie. "However...his episodic memory has been severely damaged." Gilbert quirks an eyebrow, silently telling her to elaborate. How the hell is he supposed to know what semantic and episodic memory is? "Your semantic memory deals with facts, meanings, and concepts, such as vocabulary or math skills. Episodic memory, however, deals with the events in a person's life."

"So Mattie..." Gilbert clears his throat, piecing together his friend's condition. "He can't remember _anything_ from before the accident?"

"No," she says, confirming his fears. She furrows her eyebrows. "This is a very rare occurrence, though. He's been awake for an hour, yet he hasn't regained anything. Anyway, the doctors will have to keep him here for a few days to make sure he can function properly. After that, he's all yours." Gilbert snorts, amused at her choice of words. _All mine. If only._

* * *

Much to Gilbert's distaste, he's sent away from the hospital before he can see Mattie again. They told him something about "not triggering the patient", whatever the hell that was supposed to mean. Mattie's his best friend; surely the blond wouldn't be _afraid_ of him? The very thought makes his stomach churn with unease. He's walking through the parking lot to get to his car when his cell phone goes off, vibrating in his pocket.

 _Luddy: Are you alright?_

Gilbert sighs. Of course his brother is worried for him. However, he should be worried about Mattie, not him. He sends his brother Ludwig a quick response before getting behind the wheel of his 1965 Ford Mustang.

 _Zhe Awesome Me!: I'll be okay. After all, I am so awesome! Kesesesese!_

Gilbert knows that he's sent a lie. For once in his life, he feels anything _but_ awesome. He feels sick. Nervous. He wants to scale the fucking hospital building and take Mattie home _now_. The thought of his best friend being assessed by strangers, possibly experimented on...He clutches the steering wheel and grits his teeth. Like hell he's gonna wait "a few days". He'll get Mattie out, even if he has to get backup. Ludwig will surely help him. The thought makes him smirk, his crimson eyes shining with mischief.

When he gets home, Ludwig is waiting for him on the porch. His golden blond hair is slightly disheveled, which is a rare occurrence. His blue eyes flicker up to Gilbert as he walks up to him.

"Mattie will be fine," Gilbert says, swallowing the lump in his throat. "But-but he doesn't remember-" His voice cracks. For once, he can't keep his composure. A small whimper escapes his throat, tears surfacing in his eyes. He blinks them away stubbornly. "H-He doesn't-" He takes a shaky breath and runs a hand through his white hair. "D-Doesn't remember anything. D-Doesn't remember _me_ -" The albino bites his lip to keep it from quivering. Ludwig sighs and looks at him with sympathy, reaching out to embrace him. Gilbert accepts it shamelessly.

"I am sorry, _bruder_ ," Ludwig says quietly. His voice is deep and rumbling as always, which is comforting.

"I-I'll be fine," Gilbert sniffles, stepping back and wiping at his eyes. "A-After all, I am so awesome!" He forces his lips into a smirk. Ludwig chuckles, amused at his behavior. "Well, I'm going to sleep; I suggest you do the same, Luddy. We've all had a long day." Gilbert says, yawning and stretching for emphasis. He walks past his brother and enters the house. He wastes no time in brushing his teeth, stripping down to his boxers, and laying in bed to rest.

He pushes away his worried thoughts of Mattie and forces himself to sleep.

* * *

The next day, Gilbert drags his brother to the hospital with him.

"I'd like to see Matthew Williams," Gilbert says stubbornly, leaning on the counter of the hospital. Ludwig stands behind him, holding a stony countenance as always. The nurse regards both of them with an irritated expression.

"I've told you this before; Patient Williams is in no condition to be released yet," she says, challenging Gilbert's frustrated gaze with her own. "Now get out of here before I call security." She hovers her hand over the phone as a reminder of what she can do. When neither of them move, she lets out a vexed sigh. " _Fine_. If you must see him so badly, you may visit for _twenty minutes._ Any more than that, and I'll have no choice but to kick you out. You want Patient Williams in your custody when he is released, correct?"

"Of course!" Gilbert insists.

"Then you best behave," the nurse warns, narrowing her eyes. "He may be over eighteen, but we can still refuse emergency guardianship." Gilbert nods, biting the inside of his cheek to keep himself from saying anything stupid. Why do hospitals have to use such odd vocabulary? He doesn't even know what emergency guardianship is! Noticing his confused state, Ludwig speaks up.

"Emergency guardianship? What about his family?" the blond asks, and the nurse smiles sadly.

"His family has refused to take him into his custody. And, seeing as he is in no state to live alone, he has to be appointed an emergency guardian. Mr. Williams' brother, Alfred, has already signed papers for the two of you to take him. He must trust you very much," she replies, picking up the phone and dialing a number. "Dr. Braginsky? Yes, this is Nurse Mei Wang...The Beilschmidt brothers wish to see Patient Williams..." There's a muffled voice coming from the phone, and the nurse pauses. She furrows her eyebrows. "Yes, I told them...They wouldn't listen!...Ah, just let them up, please?...Alright. Thank you."

"What did he say?" Gilbert asks, gripping onto the counter with anticipation.

"Dr. Braginsky told me the two of you may visit Patient Williams for a little while," she says, smiling lightly. Her warm, honey colored eyes shine with determination. "That's the first time I've been able to convince the doctor of anything, really. You two are immeasurably lucky." Gilbert puffs his chest out in victory, smirking.

"It must be cause I'm so awesome!" he declares.

"Yeah, yeah," Nurse Mei chuckles, rolling her eyes. She gets up from her desk and leads the two to Matthew's room, her chocolate brown hair cascading down to her lower back. She opens the door and steps aside for them to enter the room. Gilbert can't help it as he inhales sharply, looking upon Mattie's lanky form curled up in the blankets. His eyes are closed peacefully. It's as if nothing's wrong with him, he looks so serene.

Except for the bandages wrapped around his head.

"Mattie?" Gilbert whispers, hesitantly stepping towards the bed. The last thing he wants is to scare his friend. For the first time, he's gentle. He gingerly nudges the blond awake, stepping back when he finally opens his indigo eyes. The albino's voice is quiet as he speaks. "How are you feeling?" he asks tentatively. Does Mattie even remember his visit yesterday?

"I-I'm okay, I-I guess," Mattie says softly, looking up at him. "G-Gilbert? I-Is that who y-you said you were?" He nods, sighing in relief. Hearing the blond say his name makes his heart swell. _What the hell are you doing to me, Mattie?_ he wonders, bittersweet. Every bit of love he feels brings a whole new wave of heartache. The only person he would ever tell of his feelings no longer remembers him. He would never be able to tell anyone else, he knows that much.

 _I don't want them to know the secrets_.

The two share many memories, or...rather, they used to.

 _I don't want them to know the way I loved you_.

"Do you believe me, Mattie? When I say that I'm your friend?" Gilbert asks, biting his lip. He must look pathetic now. Either way, he can't bring himself to care much. He'll grovel on his knees if he has to. His breath hitches when Mattie smiles.

 _I don't think they'd understand it, no._

"I-I do," he says, his expression sadly sweet. "I-If you weren't, y-you wouldn't bother b-being here." Gilbert takes a deep breath, his next question hovering on thin ice.

"Do you...do you feel any different when I'm here, Mattie? Do you care for me?" he asks, somewhat hopeful. _Even if he doesn't remember, maybe he still cares for me. Memories may be erased, but surely..._ He bites his lip. Ludwig casts him a curious glance.

 _I don't think they would accept me, no._

"No," Mattie replies, his expression now blank. He frowns worriedly. "S-Should I?" His eyes widen when he sees Gilbert's hurt expression. "I-I'm sorry, I-I just-"

"It's fine," Gilbert whispers, glancing down at his feet. He grits his teeth. _Damn_ , why does he have to feel this misery? Why does his heart have to _feel_? It-it would be better if...if he hadn't loved Mattie at all. He takes a shaky breath and looks up to the blond. "You...you don't have to feel anything. I was just wondering, is all." He shrugs, putting on a nonchalant mask. Before Mattie can respond, a tall man with platinum blond hair and light lavender eyes enters the room. His name tag introduces him as _Ivan Braginsky_.

"Hello," he says, a light smile on his lips. Gilbert can't help but be wary of the man. He seems somewhat sinister under his happy facade. "I am Dr. Braginsky. You must be Gilbert, _da_?" When the albino nods, he continues. "Well, I am happy to say that I am allowing Matthew Williams to be released today. However, he must agree to being in your custody." He turns to the smaller blond, who tenses at the attention. "Matthew, would you like to live with Mr. Beilschmidt?"

"U-Um..." Mattie stammers, glancing from the doctor to the two German brothers. He bites his lip. "G-Gilbert? U-Um...s-sure." Gilbert's shoulders sag in relief, and he smirks.

"Don't worry, Mattie. You'll be living with two very awesome people!" he says, determined. Out of the corner of his eye, Ludwig pinches the bridge of his nose, probably reluctant to call his brother out on his ridiculous behavior. Mattie smiles, though, and the sight nearly makes him melt.

"Y-You're very s-silly," the blond says, tilting his head to the side curiously. Before Gilbert can respond, Dr. Braginsky interrupts him.

"Nurse Mei will get the necessary paperwork for you. In the meantime, please step into the hall so I may assess Matthew one last time, _da_?" he says, and Gilbert knows that it's not a suggestion. It is definitely an order. He nods, trying to be as polite to the doctor as he can. He and Ludwig leave the room, forced to wait in the hallway _yet again_. For once, Gilbert tries to look on the bright side of the situation. He's going to get Mattie back. However, his heart begins to feel somewhat torn. He's going to get Mattie back, but...

Not with memories intact.

* * *

 **A/N: This chapter was very fun to write ^.^ (yay angst). Anyway, I apologize if my depiction of hospitals is somewhat inaccurate. I have never been admitted to a hospital (surprisingly, considering how many times I've fallen down stairs). However, I did do some minor research on how emergency guardianship works (kinda).  
**

 **The-Auburn-Phoenix** **\- Thank you so much! ^.^  
**


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